I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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