Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
