I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Life is so much better after having sex.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Randomize
