My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
