It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
How external is "for external use only"?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
