dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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