Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
