Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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