rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
