He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
