chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
