On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
