is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Panties = found
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
