Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
He? As in you personified your dick?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
