Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
