you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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