So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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