I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
