I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
