new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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