last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
