I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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