if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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