Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
