I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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