Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
