I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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