You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You may now shotgun with the bride
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
