I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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