I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
