You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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