I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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