Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Randomize
