Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
