It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
