We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
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