Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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