The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
