They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
