the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
