I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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