But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
There r osticjed everywhere
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
