I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
