dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
