Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
