I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
