woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
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