fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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