I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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