he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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