idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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