he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
