This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
